So if anyone asks about the gap, I’ve been on sabbatical, trekking in the Andes or breaking the tantric-sex session world record.

Everyone loves lolling around in a sweaty chair, listening to the slow crackle of their beard growing, one hand fumbling for the Oreos, the other down the front of their five-day-old pants; but if you tell someone you spent a whole summer doing it, they look disgusted and absolutely won’t let you buy them a drink…

Chicks eh? I’ll tell you about alienation Hegel…

I love it when philosophy and physics theory agree, it’s like mind and body in unison; the real and the ethereal. So there’s this Hegel feller, pondering the universe, trying to change the world of thought. And he reckons that there’s no such thing as an ‘object,’ but that everything is slowly changing. In the (questionably) wise words of saint wikipedia:

‘the properties we discover in objects depend on the way that those objects appear to us as perceiving subjects, and not something they possess “in themselves”, apart from our experience of them.’

So two hundred years later, and it turns out that’s pretty much the case. Objects are made of atoms, and atoms are made of various bits including electrons. And electrons…well this handy video explains it best:

A friendly, non-threatening way of saying scientists have no fucking clue what’s going on down there. They don’t even call them ‘electrons’ any more, but ‘probability density charges,’ because they’re not objects spinning neatly around a nucleus like they teach you.

Rather, they’re little sparks that pop up wherever they damn please within a certain area. Sometimes they can even pop up on the other side of an impenetrable barrier, in a phenomenon awesomely known as ‘quantum tunneling.’

Also, the scientists who tried to measure the electrons, the ‘perceiving subjects,’ completely changed the ‘properties’ of them, exactly as Hegel thought. A little too exactly…similar experiments with electrons have offered the first glimpses of time-travel technology…

I think the conclusion is obvious: Hegel was part of a shady scientist cabal that discovered time-travel in the late 21st century. He stole the technology and went back in time to take all the credit, anticipating glory, fortune and all the burly German women he could handle.